It's still here.
Even when I'm having fun, it still lingers. Just one tiny thing can remind me of what happened. Just thinking back to when I had nothing to live for. And I still don't. They impacted my entire life, and, the truth is, I don't know if I'll ever be the same again.
It's not just one event either. It's thing after thing after thing. I used to just stop thinking about it because what was the point? It's not like it ever ended or became more bearable. Those days when everyone turned their backs away and I would let loose. I never told them how I was inside.
When the weight of things is just pushing you down one thing at a time, it's like a vine is pulling you to the ocean floor. You're trying to fight it but you know deep down that you'll go beneath the surface sometime. And then there's no turning back. It's not like something huge is just there suddenly, just small things always building up, ever so slowly.
It's so hard for me to write about this as I'm delving into my feelings. You might tell me to stop sharing all this but honestly, I need a place to vent. There's no one and nothing else I can lean on. It seems whenever I find something/someone they get taken away. And I don't know if I'll ever find something real that actually lasts.
In my free time, I like watching videos of happy people. I love seeing and feeling their happiness as I don't really have any myself. They were mostly the cause of that.
Since I was like four, I was always expected to be the very best ever. Be the smartest, get perfect grades, be the best at everything imaginable. And I tried. And tried and tried and tried. My work paid off a little bit and at school, I was really smart and ended up skipping a grade by pushing myself. But I lost a certain part of myself in the process as being the best was what everyone expected me to be and what they still do. Also, when people at school remark on something to do with academics I can't help but get a bit mad because that's not who I am but it's all I seem to be. Just 'the nerdy smart girl'. Sure.
I would trade all of that to be happy. I can't help but think about being normal, about not having depression, and having everyone have such high expectations that are so unrealistic. To have a big, happy family that gathers for all the holidays. My grandma would bake me cookies, my dad would come home from work every day and crack jokes. My mom would be loving and supportive. But that's not how it is. Don't be offended if you're like this, but I kind of feel like people take the simplest things for granted. First, just having a friend to talk to. Or enjoying something. Anything, like having something that you live for. It could be video games, your dog, math class. Just anything.
And those books I read about people overcoming their fears but really, it always stays with you. Believe me, everyone wants to let them go but they're all afraid. When it shaped such a huge part of you, what would it be like when it's gone? Who would you be? Who would I be?
I hate them.
(I will not mention exactly who 'they' are but know that they're part of my family. I will also not name any of the specific events that happened to me. And for information purposes, I am within the age range of 10-13.)
